More from my .log files

The Gaussian03 fortunes continue to amuse:

"THE ACADEMIC HIERARCHY"

THE PRESIDENT:
LEAPS TALL BUILDINGS IN A SINGLE BOUND,
IS MORE POWERFUL THAN A LOCOMOTIVE,
IS FASTER THAN A SPEEDING BULLET,
WALKS ON WATER,
GIVES POLICY TO GOD.

THE VICE PRESIDENT FOR ACADEMIC AFFAIRS:
LEAPS SHORT BUILDINGS IN A SINGLE BOUND,
IS MORE POWERFUL THAN A SWITCH ENGINE,
IS JUST AS FAST AS A SPEEDING BULLET,
WALKS ON WATER IF SEA IS CALM,
TALKS WITH GOD.

PROFESSOR:
LEAPS SHORT BUILDINGS WITH A RUNNING START AND FAVORABLE WINDS,
IS ALMOST AS POWERFUL AS A SWITCH ENGINE,
CAN FIRE A SPEEDING BULLET,
WALKS ON WATER IN AN INDOOR SWIMMING POOL,
TALKS WITH GOD IF SPECIAL REQUEST IS APPROVED.

ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR:
BARELY CLEARS A QUONSET HUT,
LOSES TUG OF WAR WITH LOCOMOTIVE,
MISFIRES FREQUENTLY,
SWIMS WELL,
IS OCCASIONALLY ADDRESSED BY GOD.

ASSISTANT PROFESSOR:
MAKES HIGH MARKS ON WALLS WHEN TRYING TO LEAP TALL BUILDINGS,
IS RUN OVER BY LOCOMOTIVES,
CAN SOMETIMES HANDLE A GUN WITHOUT INFLICTING SELF INJURY,
DOG PADDLES,
TALKS TO ANIMALS.

GRADUATE STUDENT:
RUNS INTO BUILDINGS,
RECOGNIZES LOCOMOTIVES TWO OUT OF THREE TIMES,
IS NOT ISSUED AMMUNITION,
CAN STAY AFLOAT WITH A LIFE JACKET,
TALKS TO WALLS.

UNDERGRADUATE AND WORK STUDY STUDENT:
FALLS OVER DOORSTEP WHEN TRYING TO ENTER BUILDINGS,
SAYS, "LOOK AT THE CHOO-CHOO,"
WETS HIMSELF WITH A WATER PISTOL,
PLAYS IN MUD PUDDLES,
MUMBLES TO HIMSELF.

DEPARTMENT SECRETARY:
LIFTS TALL BUILDINGS AND WALKS UNDER THEM,
KICKS LOCOMOTIVES OFF THE TRACKS,
CATCHES SPEEDING BULLETS IN HER TEETH AND EATS THEM,
FREEZES WATER WITH A SINGLE GLANCE,
IS GOD.